Neurodiversity is such a weird concept.
It’s a fairly new word used to describe people like me, whose brains don’t fit in the mainstream definition of “normal” but, weirdly enough, by the same definition it actually also describes those brains that do “fit”.
Which is pretty awesome if you think about it. We are all connected by our differences.
But at its very core, it is the concept that all brains work differently… some slightly differently, some more so. I’m in the more so bucket. And I’ll be honest, when I was finally diagnosed with adult ADHD, I nearly cried. For so many reasons.
On the one hand, I was so utterly relieved to finally have a real explanation for why I often felt so lost. Why I found it so hard to connect. Those tears were tears of relief.
For most of my life, I was told that I could easily lose my head if it wasn’t attached to me. This was supposedly a joke, yeah, but my brain took it as a criticism. And hey, let’s be honest, it probably was. I’d lose track of the words and my thoughts mid-sentence, so I learned how to “discretely” have key phrases to give myself time to try to remember what in the world I was actually saying. And let me assure you, I did not always succeed at this!
I started so many projects and often “failed” at finishing them. I’ve never seen the end of a checklist, but lord do I love making them. I mean, it’s really the only point during the day that I am completely organised. Procrastination is my middle name but I hate the absolute debilitating fear that both comes from knowing I haven’t finished the task I set for myself but also from the idea of the task itself (so therefore I cannot even bring myself to restart it).
I get distracted by the smallest things, which is not usually a peculiar sentence, but the sheer ease in which my mind slides away from a thought is astounding really. My brain moves so fast at times that I’m about ten sentences deep into a conversation with one of my colleagues by the time I have managed to get the word hello out in the morning. I have what I call “foot in mouth” syndrome where, if something inappropriate could be said in any situation, it is definitely going to be me that does it.
Knowing why I had all these struggles, finally, truly was a relief. I may be a dweeb but I’m a dweeb for a reason.
But on the other hand, when I was diagnosed and actually “knew” there was something wrong with me, I cried for that reason too. I know, I know, there’s nothing actually wrong wrong with me but initially, I fell into the deep well of depression. I know that it is cool to say that we all love to be unique but honestly, at the time? I would have quite happily been a little less unique!
But in the end, I actually realised that I am a superhero.
No, I’m not really but wouldn’t it be cool if that was the end of this story?? But yeah, I sat myself down and learned to accept who I am. I talked to my doctor, and I opened up to my people. I learned to accept that I am different and that is OK. It’s also quite funny at times and that’s fine too. But most of all, in the end, I learned to give myself grace.
